I’m writing a series on extramarital affairs. It is a topic that has become dear to my heart, so dear that I’ve written a novel of the experience of being the woman on the other side of a man’s marriage – current working title, THROUGH THE EYES OF THE OTHER WOMAN.
Being the Other Woman is a complicated matter that brings up many issues – from morals, to the power of love, to the true nature of betrayal, to how we define ourselves - and I think it’s a subject worth delving into, again. I’ve blogged on affairs before from the perspective of "how to," discussing the in's and out's of become involved in a non-committal fling with a married man. However, with this post I want to explore in more detail the dynamics of these often misunderstood, often forgotten, and often scorned women who fall in love with married men. These are women who have to fight an uphill battle because they know that having a love connection with another human being is something of value...even when society says it’s nothing.
But first, to make sense out of it all, we must set the scene of the modern world and the societal viewpoints that make loving a married man so difficult.
There has been much written about the cheating husband and the scorned wife – on how to make a marriage work after an affair (I’m assuming that is only necessary once the man admits to it or gets caught with his pants down). Personally, I think the amount of attention paid to this topic is due to our provincial and archaic beliefs about what marriage is supposed to be, but that’s another blog post all together.
Assuming that most people have, or at least try to have, traditional values about marriage seems like a leap to me in light of what I know, but many still believe that cheating is the ultimate betrayal; that somehow it is a reflection of the marriage and must be dealt with within the marriage. So, I suppose that such articles and books on overcoming affairs can be helpful to people who believe that marriage is an institution that shouldn’t be questioned or rethought all together. These books provide answers that are traditional and predictable, and make people feel better. The biggest issue here is that of trust and honesty, I would think. No one likes to be lied to, but as long as we live in a society where, within a certain setting, we are unable to be honest without being outcast as immoral, we are set up to keep silent. If things were different, affairs would not be as damaging as they seem to be in the current atmosphere of our culture.
It has proven very difficult to get accurate statistics on extramarital affairs. Unless asked anonymously, most people are fearful of admitting to something that is judged so harshly by others. Research shows that only 15-20% of men admit to affairs once they are married, although in some surveys 57% of men acknowledge infidelity in any relationship they’ve had. For the purposes of keeping it simple, in this article I will not be considering the infidelity of all the unmarried, adulterous men in my affair statistics; those who live with their girlfriends, have fiancées, or are in significant long-term relationships (i.e. those who are most likely to be unfaithful once they do marry). Instead, I’ll focus on the infidelity of men who are already married.
Throughout my life, I can think of at least 10 married men with whom I’ve had affairs. Having been approached by at least as many others whom I didn’t get involved in, to me, the above statistics seem low. Think about it. I’m just one woman, and I know for a fact that I’m not the only woman who has been with one or more married men. In fact, the majority of women I've spoken with, whether they themselves are married or single, have admitted to at least one affair with a married man. Many of these affairs are trysts, flings, or one night of fun on a trip out of town. But some are much, much more for both parties involved.
It’s not always men who are prone to being unfaithful that fall into the category of married men who act on affairs. There is a certain percentage of men who never thought of themselves as the affair-type who find themselves drawn to someone outside the marriage; someone who would have been their first choice for a life-partner, if they weren’t already committed. Those men are even less likely to acknowledge an affair since it falls so far outside the scope of how they see themselves.
Unless a man in this position is brave enough to follow his heart and take a risk for something better, leaving behind an obviously ineffective set of beliefs about the institution of marriage to find a new life with the one he should have been with in the first place, he ends up struggling to make sense out of the affair; often trying to fit it into a category that simplifies the very nature of the relationship – diminishing it to something of little value.
“I lost my head.” “I must have been so unhappy in my marriage that I looked outside.” Or, “I just needed some excitement...or some sex.” But such statements, though often the reasons given by “experts,” do not accurately, or fully, describe what these men shared with the woman they loved outside their marriage. Nor does it acknowledge the depth of meaning the affair has for these men or for the women involved.
Relegating such love affairs into frivolous “on the side” relationships doesn’t ring true. It's just another form of lying...usually to one's self. Forcing a love affair into a category within which it does not fall confuses everyone, hurting all those involved. But, I suppose the wives who keep these men based on the idea that “it meant nothing” are relieved that their husbands, rather than being true to themselves, followed the ideals that most people believe are important.
The pressure put on these men to follow the norms is so intense that it is rare for a man who loves someone outside of his marriage to leave his wife. Many are not are strong enough to take the necessary risks to be faithful to the true nature of their feelings or to the woman they love (given that she’s not his wife). Having been conditioned to frame his affair within the context of what’s acceptable, a married man who does have the courage to be true to his heart, buck the system and leave his wife, is often so guilt ridden that he does not handle the transition gracefully.
But more commonly, a man who falls in love with a woman outside his marriage ends that relationship rather than his marriage. Unlike he would behave during any other breakup, he’ll often cut off communication with his lover without considering how his treatment of her impacts her life or their relationship. Denying the importance of their connection, he has to ignore what it says about him as a person to treat someone, especially someone he values, with such disregard. Too worried about the potential fallout for himself to consider what this woman put on the line for him, such a man often justifies his actions with the old adage, “I had to do the right thing...for my family.” So he ends up hurting the person he loves the most to stay with a woman to whom he feels obligated. Some think this choice has merit...but that all depends on your perspective.
The lack of grace and fear these men have of moving forward with their love seems to me to be directly related to the world in which we live; a world where we tend to treat anything that doesn’t fit into our ideals as wrong or worthless. It forces decent men to behave indecently towards the relationships they value the most because they are seen as taboo.
I’ve found that a married man who loves the Other Woman often treats her with less respect than other people in his life for whom he cares less. In fact, it is not uncommon for a married man in love with the Other Woman to treat her with less regard than would a married man who doesn't love his paramour. Ironic...I think. Perhaps it’s because those who don’t fall in love have less on the line, or perhaps they are able to be objective enough to appreciate the risks and the value of such relationships. Either way, I do find it an interesting paradox.
What’s even more interesting to me is the experience of the women who love the married men back. I'm talking about women who are, in fact, not there to destroy anyone's life, marriage or break any promises – but women who see beyond the limits of our social structure. I'm talking about a woman who will risk being with a man she loves regardless of the cost or the circumstances, because love is the most important thing in the world. This theme is not new. We’ve seen the same thing when white women loved black men back when it was illegal. Even today, Gays struggle with the same idea of "forbidden love" because men loving men, or women loving women has not yet been embraced by our society. Yet they, like the Other Woman, pursue these relationships even at the risk of getting hurt, scorned and dealing with harsh consequences.
So, what happens to these women when a simple affair becomes a love affair? How do they manage living in secret when their love is nothing to be ashamed of? How do they deal with having a man who is bound by certain constraints? And how do they figure out how to live when the world is turned upside down?
There is little discussion on this issue. I plan to change that.
Soon you’ll be able to read a story of one such woman, written by me. In the meantime, I’ll just keep blogging on it, and challenging the restriction of a world that doesn’t often recognize the value of truth if it gets in the way of tradition...stay tuned for Part 2 (the other woman behind the man behind the marriage).
